I remember how heartbreaking my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease was for us all. Especially the early years.
I remember the discussions between my dad, sisters and I when it became apparent that my parents could no longer live in their own home. We found a retirement home near me that would enable them to remain together for as long as possible. (Their move is a story in itself.)
I remember having to help out my dad on a regular basis. He’d never needed my help this much or in this way before. He was relying on me to help him cope (while I was trying to cope too). We were all losing my mom, even though she was still with us and would be, as it turned out, for another ten years.
I remember, at the same time, trying to juggle my own family’s needs: getting my son off to school each morning and to baseball practices after school, supporting my daughter who was away at university and regularly needing to, and wanting to, visit her three hours away. And I was working full time outside my home at a job that was less than fulfilling.
I was in a seemingly endless walking grief feeling unsupported myself. Where was my support person? Oh yeah, she was gone…
I was trying to be strong and available for everyone so I shielded my heart to avoid feeling the pain.
If someone had asked me then to listen to my heart, I would have been too afraid to even attempt it. I would have felt I would break down and break apart, and I couldn’t afford to do that. Too many people were needing me.
Eventually, I left my job. It was the only thing I didn’t feel fully committed to and I needed to commit even more time to my mom and dad.
Dad was struggling, and he never struggled. His mobility challenges were increasing. Not only did he feel helpless in helping my mom, his body was making him feel helpless too. I was his legs. I was his life line. Whenever he called, I’d drop what I was doing and go because I knew he only called when he was at the end of his rope.
I’d take mom for long drives to give dad a break. I’d take them to doctor and dentist appointments. I did all their errands and fit mine in too.
What would have been different, I wonder, if I’d had the courage to tune into my heart when I needed it most?
What I now know to be true is that our hearts are always speaking to us. It’s our soul’s way of getting our attention.
Sometimes life pushes us to the brink and we’re forced to act or forced to stop. What’s doing the forcing? Our hearts and souls.
What would my heart have said if I’d dared to ask?
First, it would have reassured me that I’m not alone.
What a comfort that would have been to have felt my inner being instead of pushing all feeling away.
Next, it would have helped me have more compassion — for myself, my mom, my dad — instead of going through each day with my head down stuck in the “doing” of lists and duties and chores and commitments; things that began to create feelings of resentment, betrayal and fatigue.
Finally, my heart would have said that it was okay to feel all my feelings. That it would help to let them out instead of keeping them bottled up in an attempt to protect myself and protect the feelings of others.
One day, listening to a random free business webinar I’d signed up for, I felt an undeniable call to work with the presenter, a coach. After one 15 minute phone call with her, I signed up for her 3 day retreat. Knowing nothing about her (I don’t think I even looked at her website), I flew to Arizona a few weeks later. I thought, if I get nothing out of this program, at least I’ll have had a break.
Those three days were the beginning of a journey back to hearing and trusting my heart again. She held the space for me to grieve deeply, to breathe again, to crack open the door to my heart that I’d clamped shut so tightly. …and I was okay. In fact, I left there renewed.
That little crack let the light in during the darkest time in my life.
Looking back now, I can see that my heart and soul had been trying to get my attention but I was too afraid to listen because what if I couldn’t handle what it wanted me to do?
The truth is, your heart and soul are made of love. They only want what’s best for you.
Feel into that for a moment.
Do you feel the truth in that?
Today, not only do I hear my heart, I feel my soul. I trust its guidance 100%.
I admit there are many times when my head runs the show. But I’ve learned how to stay attuned to my heart, to recognize its many signals and continually tune in for advice and guidance.
The heart is wise and we would be wise to listen.
If you’d like guidance to open your heart and hear its whispers, I invite you to check out my five week on-demand self-study course called Write To Your Heart. All the details can be found here.
